I'm always saying this is my last season and then I do another. It's a bit of a joke really. Everyone laughs about it, good old Terry, ha ha. But just about everything aches, and I'm that tired, I could sleep on a clothes line.
I've still got a few minutes. I could always cry off. No, best not. They'd start saying I was past it. You say you don't feel well at my age and they're down at Moss Bros, hiring the black suits. Kelvin'd be happy anyway. Can't wait to step into my shoes. Bastard. Daming's not as easy as it looks. You need years to learn how to work an audience. They know what to expect when they see me, they respect an old hand, makes them feel safe. Kelvin hasn't got the experience, thinks he knows it all.
'You want to watch Ken Dodd,' I told him. 'Best in the business. Study technique.'
We had The Post round the other day to take the publicity shots - slip of a girl, hardly out of school, camera round her neck.
'What's happened to Emlyn?' I say.
'He's retiring,' she says.
'Is he? He never used to be,' I say.
'How do you mean?' she says.
She took a few photos, did a bit of an interview, what's the panto like, who does what, etcetera, etcetera, asked me how long I've been a Dame.
'Thirty years, love, man and beast.'
'Ever think of retiring yourself, Terry?'
'Who, me? They'll have to carry me out, darling,' I said. Kelvin was just behind me and I said it loud enough for him to hear.
'That's wonderful,' she said. ' Can I quote you?'
I could have cried when I saw the photo. I looked like something helped out of its coffin. Raddled, covered in slap. Colour photo, too, bright yellow teeth. I don't look like that. Brian wasn't much help.
'Well, it's to be expected, isn't it?' he said. 'You're sixty eight. Hardly in your first flush.'
'Soon be seventy, yeah I know. Or not.'
'Don't,' he said.
'I've dropped another two pounds this week,' I said.
'I'm sick of seeing you dragging yourself home, too exhausted even to stay behind for a drink. I wish you'd stop, have a rest. I've told you.'
'Let's wait until the results come back. Might be next week.'
He held my hand for a bit, then said, 'Nice cup of hot choc?'
'Got to watch the figure,' I said.
'Live dangerously.'
'Yeah, right.'
He gave me that smile, and trotted off into the kitchen.
Kelvin makes out he's so concerned. 'You all right, Tel?' he said tonight. 'You look dog-rough.'
'Know how to make a girl feel good, don't you?'
'Don't want to overdo things, is all I'm saying. You're a long time dead'
'I'll see you out, you cheeky mare.'
He's right though. I'm sweating cobs. Either the stupid cow in wardrobe's made this frock too heavy, or else they've turned the heating up. Ten more days and three matinées to go. Maybe I could shave a few lines off the patter, they won't notice.
Just a quick swig. Used to have a few drops of Flower Remedy, but I need something a wee bit stronger these days just to get me out of the chair. I reckon I'll be all right for one more night.
I might see if I can have a bit of a lie-down in the interval.
< Winners 2006